The Lonely Glove Phenomenon: Lonely Glove Locations

No glove is immune to loss. I’ve personally seen them all: adult gloves, kid gloves, worker gloves, thin gloves, thick gloves, knit gloves, latex gloves—even mittens. After a while, they all seem to blend together. What truly distinguishes these lonely gloves from each other is where they ultimately end up. 

Tiers are a trendy way of ranking data, so what better way to analyze lonely gloves and their locations?

D TIER: Ground Gloves

It probably goes without saying: these gloves have hit rock bottom. The ground is the only place these lonely gloves will ever know. The ground is dirty, the ground is gross. And such aversion to this location translates into how poorly these gloves are treated.

No one comes back for Ground Gloves. No one cares for them. Who would? They just lie there on the floor, unfound, forever branded with the “Lonely Glove” title. 

Not only are they scarred with emotional trauma from abandonment, Ground Gloves take beatings they will most likely never recover from. Dozens of dirty shoes trample over these gloves, stealing a piece of their dignity with every step. I pity outdoor lonely gloves the most. Outdoor Ground Gloves must also bear unrelenting weather conditions. They get wet, muddy, and smushed, brutalized by mother nature herself. 

The ground is no place for a lonely glove.

C TIER: Hovering Gloves

These gloves are placed on low ledges or surfaces, nearly ground level. It almost feels wrong to rank them a whole letter grade above Ground Gloves. They barely hover above the earth—hardly any better than D TIER gloves—and yet those few inches of space between floor and fabric make all the difference in the world. 

Despite their close proximity to the ground, I have marginally more respect for Hovering Gloves. The fact that someone went out of their way to put this lonely glove somewhere slightly safer than the ground means they treated it with some consideration and empathy. And therefore, so should I.

B TIER: Basic Gloves

Here, you quite literally have your Basic B’s in the world of lonely gloves. These gloves are left resting upon the most common places. Tables, benches, windowsills: they’re convenient, they’re safe, they’re everywhere. These types of flat surfaces are really uninspired. Their purpose is literally to hold and support items, so it’s natural that a stray glove would be placed atop them. 

Furniture and fixtures are such regular places for gloves, it’s sometimes even hard to tell if a glove is truly lonely or just temporarily doffed. Similar to the surfaces upon which they lay, Basic Gloves are pretty unremarkable. Borderline unrememberable.

A TIER: Avant-Garde Gloves

This is where creativity emerges. These gloves are placed on, into, or through things that are not intended to carry other items. What the “thing” is completely depends on the lonely glove’s overall location and surrounding area, which only add to their charm. 

Avante-Garde Gloves are unexpected joys; fun little surprises. Not just because they’re not where lonely gloves are typically found, but because the people that find them obviously care about their fate. It is clear the amount of effort put into relocating these gloves, in hopes that their owners will spot and reclaim them. 

It brightens my day to see the lengths people will go to find a safe and noticeable place for these lonely gloves that isn’t just a countertop or lost-and-found box.

S TIER: Anthropomorphic Gloves

Paramount. Ultimate. Supreme. These gloves are what every lonely glove wishes it could be. Their unique locations and positions inject them with unmatched personality and humor. Anthropomorphic Gloves might be considered a subset of A TIER gloves, but they are so much more. They’re interactive and humanesque, greatly surpassing any other old lonely glove.

People situate them with obviously extreme care, forethought, and intent. By the transitive property, those that pass by S TIER gloves will subsequently show them a corresponding amount of respect and admiration. I myself hold Anthropomorphic Gloves in the highest regard and even go out of my way to show it.

Spotting these gloves fill me with glee and makes my day. They’re a rare find, though, either because of barren surroundings or simply due to lack of courtesy. But whenever I come across these lonely gloves waving at me, I always make sure to wave back.